To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
🤣✨#caturday
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I want what they have
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this