Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
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Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Got ya covered
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.