I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
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going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
how to have an accident 101
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.