The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
The Compass
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]