One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
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Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me