Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
dream blunt rotation
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true