I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home