People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.