Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
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true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Saturday
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
fair
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that