I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
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“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!