2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”