[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
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If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.