I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
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my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?