I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
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An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Does this dress make me look cat?
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
If only
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!