Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
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The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
He took my last fry, your honor
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Cool shirt 🙂
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.