Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I think I’m having a stroke
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
this is the greatest thing ever
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.