Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
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“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”