Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
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Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”