Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza