Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
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[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here