Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
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CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
what
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.