hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
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I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake