My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
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That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
For the ones in the back.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Proofread twice, hang posters once
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.