*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
You Might Also Like
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
This is a true ally.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear