@sparticus_af waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
@goodgrief_rats Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
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@sparticus_af 
@smiles_and_nods Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
@beefman138 I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
@frankzulla If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
@ItsAndyRyan “Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
@sageboggs My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
@bewgtweets A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
@CouchPotShots I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
@KeetPotato It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
@XplodingUnicorn How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.