Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

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waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money


Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)


I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.


If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.


“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”


My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you


A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.


I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?


It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.