@goodgrief_rats

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

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@sparticus_af

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

@smiles_and_nods

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

@beefman138

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

@frankzulla

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

@ItsAndyRyan

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

@sageboggs

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

@bewgtweets

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

@CouchPotShots

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

@KeetPotato

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.