Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
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If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Awwwww shit.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.