Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
You Might Also Like
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
just pretend nothing happened
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days