When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
“Great, now I have to pee.”
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.