Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
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dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
this is funnier than any friends episode
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
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Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
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You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
This January has 47 Mondays
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs