Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
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Breaking news:
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Me if I was a dog
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.