One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
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The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.