I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
You Might Also Like
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes