I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Happy Star Wars day!
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life