[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
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My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
so much to do
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Best spot.. 😅
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.