My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
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[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.