Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
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*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.