Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
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Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too