I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
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I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.