A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius