Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

Tastes like chicken.

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius