[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
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Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt