I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
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Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
podcasts
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.