I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.