[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
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In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.