God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”