I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
the #horror is real!
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)