A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume