*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
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Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.