*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
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a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare