I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
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That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.