Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
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Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
what the
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
There’s always that one guy
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*