Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
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Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
LOIS LANE: let鈥檚 watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Her: I鈥檒l bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My 3 year old isn鈥檛 talking to me because I followed him home from the park
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 馃槵
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Men will ask me to send nudes it鈥檚 like, sir I won鈥檛 even send clotheds
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn鈥檛 robbed but they did take all my money
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.